The Lie, the Truth, the Choice

Human beings are an interesting lot. We seem forever bent on either meeting our needs or ignoring them. Either strategy fails miserably - unless misery is your idea of success. Here’s why: we are not built in such a way that we can truly meet our own needs. Like pack animals, there are things about human nature that work for the common good. When we try to focus on our own good… well, you get the picture.

Or maybe you don’t. Here’s the rub: some of my needs will only be truly met when I forget about myself and pour myself into other people. Some of my pain will only be put into perspective when I understand the greater pain of another. Some of my feelings of hopelessness will only be comforted when I comfort another. My feelings of worthlessness will only be neutralized when I do good for another. It’s the way I’m built.

And yet, people who are addicted to sympathy refuse to believe this. “You don’t understand; I’m in too much pain to help others.” Bullshit. You are in too much pain to afford NOT helping others. The lie that your situation is insurmountable, your loss irreplaceable, your handicap unbearable, your life worthless… whatever lie you have bought into will only continue to grow in the darkness of isolation and the moisture of the tears of self-pity.

Does this seem cold? Heartless? Ignorant? Yeah, well, most of what doctors do to heal a broken, infected body is hardly warm and fuzzy. But it is necessary and helpful. You must reach out to others who are worse off. You must. Hope is something that runs through you – when it has no outlet, it dries up. To the extent that you are not DAILY bringing hope to others, your own hope WILL dry up. Loss of hope kills. I should know.

Pouring yourself into others – in even the simplest way – is healing. It has worked for me and I have watched it happen for others. And the more hurt you are, the more this helps. So here’s the question, when times are bad: do you really want to get better?

Starving and Addicted - this could be us

I realized something recently. I don’t mean that I found out something new – but that it actually became real to me. Oh, sure, I’ll let the cat out of the bag in the very first paragraph: we all need a certain amount of attention and sympathy, even more when we have been through loss or injury. But these very real needs can turn into addictions – just as irresistible as any drug or thrill. It seems harmless enough until you witness someone caught up in an ever-increasing black hole of need that can never be satisfactorily filled. What started as a need turns into starvation – and every attempt by others to help only feeds the monster – not the person in its clutches.

Some might see a spiritual component to all this, right now I’m interested in the dynamics of it all and whether it applies to me. Yeah, sure, I’ll admit it – whenever I’m exposed to some facet of human behavior I first look to see whether it applies to me. And that’s a good thing – I’ve grown over the years from taking what I learn and translating it into action – changing habits or relationship patterns here and there. I suppose there’s probably a large pile of unapplied truths lying around here as well. Like – it’s not all about me!

The Scene of the Crime - or at least a social misdemeanor

Once at a meeting, it was explained that for a particular portion of our time together, we would share our area of greatest struggle during the past week – but only the headline, not all the details. The specific examples were “my family” or “my job”. I count two words in each of those sample responses – don’t you? A couple of people were unable to keep their response shorter than five full minutes!!!! And they seemed somewhat peeved by the very suggestion that there wasn’t enough time for each group member to get a full half hour of attention. This was a free support group; nobody was paying money for a therapist’s time and attention. One of the Detail People even insisted (before we began sharing) that the meeting end on time!

So, what’s up with that? Here’s my two cents worth – I would love to hear other views. When life hurts, and something feels good, we want more of that good feeling. For some, that good feeling has come from receiving attention and sympathy over their boo-boos – be those actual physical injuries, or relationship setbacks, or that dreaded monster… injustice. I mean, injustice is illegal – right? And true justice only happens when I am forgiven all my mistakes and fully appreciated for each thing I do right – right? Yes, we should “mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice”, but I am not about to sit down in the mud of misery and help you wallow in your self-pity.

Taking a Stand

At one point in my life I would have said “sorry – I won’t do it.” By this age, I have edited out the “sorry” when the stand I’m taking is the most loving thing I can do for the other person. So, I’m not sorry that I won’t give you what you want. I am willing to give you what you need – but we may not agree on exactly what that is. If, like the friends I described above, you at times find it difficult to restrain yourself from sharing all about your painful past or stressful present – maybe your perspective is a little off. Maybe you need to get a little LESS attention or sympathy and to GIVE a lot more.

Few things have been as healing for me as to do something for others who are worse off. And, trust me, there is ALWAYS someone worse off. More about that in my next post.