The Question That Cripples

I had the chance to chat with some new online friends today. The subject was why humans have to deal with incredibly difficult circumstances like crippling illnesses. So that got me thinking – why do we ask why? I think maybe we think that if there’s a cosmic reason for our hardship then it will still be hard, but it won’t FEEL so unfair or cruel. And, if there is no reason, then we have a right to demand justice, a.k.a. healing. Right?

Do we really get much of a return on the investment of time and energy we put into chasing an answer to the why-question? Frankly, I’ve had much better results from asking the “now what?” question. What do I do in the midst of my circumstance? How much good can I squeeze out of life despite the situation? I ask myself what can I do now – whom can I connect with – that would have been unreachable before I reached my current state of health – finances – whatever.

I have a friend that became a quadriplegic in his late twenties. He’s had to spend some time living in nursing facilities in order to undergo physical therapy away from his hometown. You wouldn’t believe the influence he has had on others within that situation. Before his accident, he would never have set foot in one of those facilities, let alone been taken seriously. Should we throw a party to celebrate his paralysis? Of course not! But we should celebrate his life. We should see beyond his limitations to all the barriers he has broken. I don’t think of him as somebody to be pitied, I think of him as someone to be admired.

And I am so glad he did not waste his life on asking why or on seeking justice. Bitterness is the much greater form of paralysis.

Refuse to be paralyzed by bitterness or self-pity. Refuse to be paralyzed by shame or by pity for the family members who are affected by your condition. Celebrate having one more day to live, one more day to make a difference, one more day to shine through all the crap, all the pain, all the unfairness, all the abuse, all the brokenness, all the loneliness, all the rejection, and all the physical hardships.

Live!

Stuck? Try Gratitude

Poor, poor pitiful me
Poor, poor pitiful me
All these boys won't let me be
Lord have mercy on me
Woe is me
(from a Linda Ronstadt song)

Long, long, ago, in a galaxy far, far, away.... well, not really that far or that long ago but it has been a while... I lived through a difficult situation for many years. During that time, it was easy to feel sorry for myself, constantly keeping track of what was wrong or missing in my situation. It was darn near impossible to count my blessings.

Here's what I did: I recalled words from Desiderata, a poem that says "there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself" and realized that somewhere out there was someone who was in a worse condition. In fact, I'll bet that for every life there are at least a dozen people somewhere in the world who would give up almost anything in order to have what you have. Maybe you can breathe without an oxygen tank. Maybe you can walk on your own two feet. Maybe you have at least one family member who cares about you. Plenty of others don’t have these gifts.

I decided that I would be the person who most appreciated my life - no matter what was missing or painful or going wrong at the time. That doesn't mean I ignored my problems, or celebrated the misbehavior of others or accepted abuse, only that I found a way to identify and appreciate the areas in which I was blessed within my difficult situation.

Eventually that situation ended and things got better. You would think it would be easy-breezy to count my blessings now! And yes, it is easier, but my human nature still there, still wants to focus on everything that is missing or broken. The difference is that after all those years of disciplining myself to focus on the good, counting my blessings now comes much more naturally. It doesn't come naturally because the situation has changed - it comes naturally primarily because I have changed.

Stepping outside our own circumstances and looking at our situation from the point of view of someone who is much worse off helps us to quickly identify our blessings. You simply assume that there is someone out there who would love to trade places with you and try to imagine who that might be. Then you say "thank you" for at least one area where you are better off than those who have no home, no health, no friends, no family, no job, no dreams, no future. Gratitude is a powerful thing and can be the starting point for getting unstuck and un-miserable.

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