What are we waiting for?

"What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are, know you are. Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me." -- Morpheus in the Matrix

I’ve been struggling lately with a situation that is so common it may be reaching epidemic status: healthy, talented people who fail to grow up. I don’t get it. As Morpheus would say, they're faster than this. Many people are independent adults by the time they reach their twentieth birthdays; there’s nothing particularly impressive about that. But the older I get, the more otherwise really cool folks I come across who are in their twenties, thirties, even fifties and sixties, and yet still need help taking care of their own basic needs. Sometimes I hear these very people complain about not having a spouse or children. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems that someone who hasn’t figured out how to keep a roof over their heads or how to maintain more than casual relationships probably shouldn't be wishing for their very own dependent.

But it’s not those unfulfillable fantasies that perplex me, it’s the very fact that someone would want to stay so stuck for so long. Pediatricians have a term for kids that stop growing, they call it failure to thrive. So many adults I have met have failed to thrive… they survive day to day and year to year but that’s all they are doing: surviving. Well, surviving and complaining, and wishing and sighing and staying stuck.

What to do? Children who fail to thrive sometimes have to literally be taught how to eat, because they may not have developed the muscles used in chewing and swallowing. I guess we need to do something similar when working with adults who have failed to thrive, failed to grow up. Mind you, most of them eat food just fine, it is probably the feeding of their mind and the exercising of their character that needs help. So I’ve developed the following handy checklist you can use if you are either (gasp!) identifying with my description or you love someone who fits the failure-to-thrive profile:

1) Is the majority of the information/entertainment/media product that goes into my mind junk? Would I rather stop putting that junk in my head and start growing up or is the junk so fascinating it is worth my staying stuck? If I choose to stay stuck, am I at least willing to admit that and quit whining to others about the situation I have chosen?

2) Do I put little, if any, nourishing stuff in my head? When was the last time I actually learned something useful? Have I learned enough useful things that I am worth hiring? Marrying?

3) Do I allow myself to be in situations that are socially uncomfortable? Like physical exercise, many things that are uncomfortable actually lead to growth. Do I run from relationships the second I feel discomfort or do I work through the discomfort in order to grow as a friend – employee - relative – future spouse? Do I run from jobs (or job opportunities) the moment I feel uncomfortable or do I learn new job skills, time management, self-discipline, organizational, social and communication skills in order to either get better at the current job or qualify for another one?

4) Am I constantly playing at something or do I give myself time to really digest what is going on, to study my circumstances, relationships, and reactions? What frantic, unproductive activity should I rest from?

5) Honestly: am I still waiting for somebody to spoon-feed me or am I figuring out how to do it myself, that is, figuring out how to meet my own needs in constructive, healthy ways?

I've been through enough birthdays to know this: no knight in shining armor, no fairy godmother, no pill-offering Morpheus will appear one day to cause instant wisdom, instant maturity, instant job-readiness, spouse-readiness or parenting-readiness. They won’t. So I wonder - what can we as a community do to encourage self-discipline, to better value the ability to endure discomfort, to more consistently reward those who engage in the process of growing up and to quit making it easy for so many to stay in the matrix - in the illusion that it is okay to fail to thrive?

Lindsay Lohan - Victim?

My first reaction to today's news? There are times when I want to beat my head against the wall because that would hurt less than the insanity that surrounds us. This was one of those times. I understand that Lindsay Lohan is an addict, that there is no telling what she would actually say if she was in her right mind, and that she probably wouldn’t claim to be a victim if she was thinking clearly. Okay, that’s about as much grace as I can muster right now.

What makes me want to scream is the fact that this is only the echo of the whining I have heard over and over again throughout my life from people who want to be pitied and saved instead of just growing up. It’s hard work to grow up. It takes a lifetime. But we can shorten that process by simply asking ourselves, “How am I responsible for this mess? What can I control in order to clean up the mess? How can I avoid this quandary in the future?” Sometimes the answer includes getting professional help. Trust me, Just Do It.

Now, the “system” is sending Lohan to jail with a long list of “prescription” drugs to help her ease the pain of this “cruel and unusual punishment” for repeatedly driving under the influence of various substances and quite literally telling the court F U. I don’t have all the answers, for Lohan or anybody else. I just don’t think this is it.

I’m pretty much out of grace for self-appointed “victims” quoting the Geneva Convention instead of doing something to help the people that really can’t help themselves. That’s one of the main areas where I’m still trying to grow up myself – grace. It’s partly because I figured out that if I could take off the “HELLO – My Name is Victim” badge … so can every other person who has been victimized in some way –whether real or perceived.

There is a new name badge waiting for those of us who are willing to let go of the victim identity. It reads: HELLO – My Name is Hope.